Since When?

When did I start taking life so seriously? I have never really been one to be all "Ok. Let's get this thing done." Usually I'm the one taking my time waiting until the eleventh hour (like how i am currently putting off making a research website about the Titanic that is due on January 6... I probably won't even get to it until Monday). Last week when I was supposed to be cleaning my room, I found some of my journals from the beginning and middle of this year. Though many of the entries were actually God glorifying (unlike many of my journals from younger years) God brought to my attention a few places where I went wrong. There are two people, specifically that I remember seeing come up in my journal repetitively, and written there were my tremendously harsh judgments about them. I was disgusted with my writing and how introverted my thinking was. Though I loved life, I seemed to be filled with nasty thoughts about these people and it made me sick to my stomach. Literally, I thought I was going to throw up about an hour after I finished reading. As I was condemning myself, God quickly intervened by showing me quite a few verses in Jeremiah that spoke of the horrible actions of the Israelites, but how God loved them even though they messed up big time. I messed up BIG TIME. But God still loves me, so I shouldn't hate myself.

Recently, I have been going through a rough patch that has to do with growing up and becoming an adult in exactly one month from today. I have been fighting seeds of rebellion that I can feel beginning to germinate in my heart that I know aren't Godly.

God has been so faithful to meet me over the past few weeks in every aspect of my life. Since my first visit to Ian, our family chiropractor, when he tested my colors and brought things up about my past that I didn't even know I felt, I have been finding communion with God increasingly difficult. What Ian told me I felt inside was true even though I didn't realize it at first; I had never dealt with those feelings of hate toward God for giving me Tourette's Syndrome. Over the past few months, it has been festering inside of me; I have been mulling over it and thinking about it a lot. It pushed me to a point of distrust toward Him for the past few months. I honestly never thought I hated God, but looking back on my mere eighteen years of life, I can definitely see it now. Hines sight is always 20/20, right?

I hated it that Ian was right. I didn't want him to be right, but the truth is... he was spot on. I resented the fact that God chose to make me different from everyone else, because I all I ever wanted was to fit in with my peers. After all of the years of begrudgingly asking the question, "God, why me?" I believe he has given me the answer when I least expected it. He gave me Tourette's so that I would be different from my peers. It amazes me how God has helped me to embrace my being different in all aspects of my life. He gave me Tourette's to help shape my personality and to help form who I am today. I get comments from people all the time about how I am not like other kids my age... and while I used to hate it, I have learned to love it because that is how I have been able to glorify God.

I can just feel it... every thing that has happened is adding up to something big, and I can't wait to discover what it is! Satan has weighted me down with sizable trials over the last few months, but my God has proven to be bigger! And so, I am beginning to fall in love with Him all over again.